The Power of ‘Hello’
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You have a talented team member; focused, hard-working, low maintenance, there’s just one small problem, their empathy skills are poor. What can you do to help them understand others’ need for recognition and the art of reciprocity?
What are their career aspirations? Do they want to lead teams, to manage projects or become technical specialists and thought leaders? Whatever their aspirations, they will need to build positive relationships with others, and this has to start with understanding other peoples’ need for recognition. Getting your team member to understand this is the first step.
Next, help them explore why they don’t engage with others very well, why they don’t say hello or thank you very often. This may actually feel quite threatening for your team member. Some people hide their own feelings of inadequacy or lack of confidence behind a façade of indifference, so use your own coaching and empathy skills to draw them out. Try the following conversational gambits:
How much does a thank you matter to them? They may be one of those people that are so self-driven they need little public acknowledgement or praise, but others need that thank you to feel their efforts are worthwhile, to remain motivated and believe that they are a valued member of the team. So, ask your team member to do some research – perhaps some business articles or podcasts – on the power of thank you and then ask them to record in the coming weeks how often they have said thank you to others and the reaction they received. Their thank you should be specific and sincere.
What about more formal thank you letters or emails? The same rule applies and is now underpinned by research from authors, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley. Hundreds of people were recruited for their study and asked to write a letter of thanks to someone who had touched their lives in a meaningful way outlining what they had done and why it had had such a positive impact on their life. The senders were consistently surprised by the reactions of the recipients, how positive it made them feel and the lasting image of a warm and competent person it created of the sender in their minds! So again, ask your team member to keep a record of thank you emails, and letters sent – and review it with them. Have they missed any opportunities to build a positive relationship with someone, whether a colleague, supplier or customer?
This, in turn, taps into the psychology around reciprocity – again research shows that we are far more likely to return favours or do something extra for someone who’s done something for us. In fact, it’s so powerful a human response that this research largely underpins the strict rules now in place around workplace gifts and hospitality – too many people were using gifts to gain access to procurement shortlists! But the key concept is sound, if you do something for me it will be much harder for me to refuse to do something for you – a cornerstone of value-driven networks of mutual benefit – and this behaviour and response applies across all cultures. It builds our ability to influence others, not control them.
Ask your team member to sketch out their internal and external networks. Against each name should be a note of how valuable that contact is to them and how valuable the contact is in return. This will help them gauge the breadth and depth of their relationships and highlight where and to what extent new and better relationships of mutual benefit should be built. You can then help your team member build an action plan around how to develop these relationships in a way that is feasible for them.
How often does your team member say ‘good morning’ to colleagues? Perhaps they have a tendency to just enter the room, sit down and plough on with work as they are disinterested in office chit-chat about last night’s box-set viewing. Yet acknowledging other people’s presence sends out a positive signal, a psychological ‘stroke’ which is needed if we want to engage people to support or help us when problems arise. Too often I’ve heard people complain about their colleague’s lack of social engagement unless and until they want something. “He/she doesn’t even bother to say good morning! It’s like I don’t even exist!” So, remind your team to say hello and smile – it costs nothing, and the payback can be huge.
Similarly, do they acknowledge others progress or success with a ‘well done’ or a similar phrase? They may be a colleague rather than the boss but recognising other people’s achievements will enhance their relationships and build a greater sense of goodwill.
Finally, if they still don’t acknowledge their relationships with others are poor, then the final step could be to help them to take stock of their current organisational relationships via an anonymous 360 questionnaire. There are plenty of free online tools they can use. Help them construct the questionnaire – keep it short, sweet and to the point – then help them identify those people they most need to work well with and get them to personally approach each person to ask if they would be willing to complete the anonymous questionnaire and why they are running it. The answers, when collated, should be shared with the respondents along with the development plan your team member decides upon.
TAKE AWAY
No matter how talented people are, whether they aspire to leadership or simply want to be the best in their field, they should never under-estimate the power of social interaction, of engaging in social chit-chat and the value of the smallest things like ‘thank you’ ‘please’ ‘good morning’ and ‘well done’. Helping your team to understand that people like to be noticed, to feel their efforts are seen and worthwhile, will be helpful when they need to ask for help themselves.
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For further reading on the research mentioned, please visit Psychology Today and Sage Journals