Acting as a Mentor: Part 3 – What would I do if…
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On one level, mentoring is instinctive. You can learn tools and techniques to become a better mentor, and there is definitely a blend of skills that makes mentoring easier to do and which will help you to run the session. But what you might not be prepared for are tricky questions from mentees – many of which are political minefields!
When we run training on mentoring, we devote part of the time to thinking through worst-case scenarios and how to respond to them. Here are some of my favourites:
1. “My manager is really hard work, I can’t talk about this with them.”
As a mentor, even if you agree, try not to get drawn into this conversation. It’s difficult to see how it could end well – especially if you are more senior than their manager. In reality you are unlikely to be aware of the full history behind the statement – from either the perspective of the manager or the mentee – so it’s better to point out that you are happy to be a sounding board and that you want to listen, but there are some things that only the manager can help with. One of your criteria of success as a mentor is to maintain the manager’s trust too, and by understanding why the mentee struggles with their manager you might be able to help the relationship move forward.
2. “Have you got an example you could give me?”
This is really good question from them – as long as you have one! The pitfall to watch out for is where you don’t have one that answers the question, and you feel pressured to make something up. The risk is that it almost always misses the mark and ends up being a long monologue that doesn’t really answer the question. Sometimes it’s better to say “no” and give some general advice, or to give them an example that goes part of the way there.
3. “Do you think I could get promoted in the New Year?”
Sometimes you’ll be asked to comment on career trajectory. If your instinctive reaction is “no way” there is probably some very honest feedback you need to go through with them. Interestingly, one of the most common complaints in organisations is “No one will be straight with me and give me tough news!” – so this may well be appreciated – if you can tell them why, and what they can do about it. Conversely, if you think it’s possible (either in their timescale or a little longer) then by all means encourage them. The key is to ask them what they think and help them to explore their gaps – both in their own reality and any gaps you know other people perceive them as having.
4. “I know you’re busy but I REALLY need to meet you for a REALLY urgent meeting.”
It’s rare, but there will be times when your mentee wants to meet you urgently. When it happens, you should fit that need around the other work that you have to do and be true to that. Don’t be polite and stand on ceremony, feel free to ask – and be really clear – about the short-notice meeting. You may find that an email response or a phone call is enough.
5. “It will be great if we can spend more time together, maybe a beer after work?”
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. As we’ve already explored, mentoring is a “professional friendship” – but it is a little bit of an unusual request. So, if necessary, try to understand the motivation behind the request before you accept. Mentees can sometimes become too attached to their mentors, so be careful if you feel uncomfortable about the request.
6. “I didn’t have time to prepare for this meeting.”
This is almost always never acceptable! Unless you think the reason was a really good one, the best option is to stop the meeting there and ask for it to be rescheduled. You may need to take the same action if they say they haven’t done the actions they had planned at the last meeting. You are doing them a favour and they need to be committed to the mentoring. Sometimes this reaction from you can kick start a new and more serious commitment from the mentee. Of course there are sometimes reasons why people can’t deliver as planned – but it is polite to let you know this and reschedule in good time.
7. “I really can’t ever see myself as being successful at this.”
Sometimes your job as a mentor is out-and-out about building confidence. Try to understand why they feel like this, sometimes it is a lack of confidence, but sometimes it’s misplaced humility. Reassuring them is good but asking questions to find out why is better.
8. “I completely disagree; I would never do it like that.”
This is rare – in honesty most times they will probably feign compliance and just not do it. If it does happen, try to not to make off the cuff comments without thinking about whether and why they would do what you’re suggesting. Typically, where you get this kind of response is because they’ve not completely understood your thinking – so take time to make sure that you’ve been clear.
Mentoring is a great experience for both of the people involved, so to wrap up this series on the topic I’d encourage you to invest in helping them – and yourself – get the most from the opportunity. And of course, if you have any questions about mentoring – do get in touch, I’m more than happy to help.