Help, I’ve Just Offended My Boss
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Over the course of a career, we all do things that later we come to regret or that cause an inward cringe. Maybe it’s the time you got very drunk at 4 am and had a very honest conversation with a colleague. Or when you indulged in constructing a witty and insulting response to an email with no intention of sending it – then accidentally pressed reply not delete.
All hypothetical situations of course, but what about if you realise you’ve just said the wrong thing to your boss – and there’s no big “undo” button to take you back in time?
Accept that you are human and make mistakes – but be self-aware enough to spot where a moment of anger is a warning sign that something is going on under the surface which needs action. Where it’s the right thing to do, always apologise early. And always remember that in the long term, it’s rarely the relationship where there has never been a cross word that is the strongest. More often, it’s the one that has been tested by difficult moments – and you’ve found out that you can trust the other person to be honest and constructive about fixing the problem.
All hypothetical situations of course, but what about if you realise you’ve just said the wrong thing to your boss – and there’s no big “undo” button to take you back in time?
- Did you mean it?
As awful and as excruciating as it can be, just catch yourself before you start the damage management process and ask, “Why did I do it?”. Sometimes offence is entirely accidental, but is there a small part of you that’s glad you did it? Perhaps you need to unpack that a little. For example, what caused you to get so frustrated that a comment slipped out or your boss found out you’ve been working on a project they didn’t want you involved in? And if it turns out you did mean it, don’t abandon hope yet – still consider the rest of the advice below. After all – you probably still need a job, and good references when you decide to depart! (That said, do take your time to consider whether in the medium term this job, and this environment, are right for you.) - Is it repairable?
Very rarely is the situation irretrievable. Occasionally it is, and that needs to be accepted. I’ve seen people dig themselves into a deeper hole when leaving well alone, and allowing the other person to find their way out, would have been a better solution. - Was it really offensive?
Sometimes some people have their own issues – they’re naturally the type of person who is easily offended or who makes mountains out of molehills. In one of my past roles, when I first started somebody pointed out another colleague and said “in your job, at some point, that person is going to be offended with you. They have found ways to be annoyed with the last three jobholders, and it will happen to you.” I managed to impress them by lasting two years before it happened, but sure enough, eventually it did and – once it started – it built very quickly because once they found one thing, they saw other things to criticise. Some people only like new toys; they lavish praise and support on people until they discover they are only human – then get cross that you are not all they’ve imagined you to be. - So, what can I do?
Assuming that it’s retrievable and that the offence is genuine, taking the first opportunity to accept responsibility and express contrition is often the best solution. Gaining initial forgiveness and breaking off the issue is never a waste. It’s not always immediately accepted, and will not instantly cause the hurt to vanish, but it’s never meaningless to say sorry.
Beyond that, the process has to be around rebuilding trust. If you didn’t mean everything you said and did not act maliciously, the other person will usually see that you didn’t mean to cause distress. Once you’ve apologised, and they’ve had their say, they will allow you to start to mend fences. I’ve blogged before on building trust; the important thing to bear in mind is that you establish trust by taking practical steps to show your remorse. Don’t expect them to trust you immediately; work at showing them again that you’ve got their back, and that you’re doing the things they need you to do. A word of caution, however – don’t let their offence become their opportunity to control you. Some people will take advantage of your willingness to make peace. It’s a difficult line to draw, but do draw it if it gets too much.
Accept that you are human and make mistakes – but be self-aware enough to spot where a moment of anger is a warning sign that something is going on under the surface which needs action. Where it’s the right thing to do, always apologise early. And always remember that in the long term, it’s rarely the relationship where there has never been a cross word that is the strongest. More often, it’s the one that has been tested by difficult moments – and you’ve found out that you can trust the other person to be honest and constructive about fixing the problem.