How to Give and Receive Peer Feedback Without Losing Friends!

Posted by Amanda Whiteford

Peer feedback is on the increase. It might be anonymised in an appraisal or 360 processes (though many of us are sure we can work out who said what!). Or we might be asked by colleagues as part of their career development. Increasingly, we’re being asked to give feedback to support agile work teams too. However, recent research has found that critical peer feedback can lead to broken relationships – so how can we be honest and stay friends?

We need feedback on our performance if we are to grow and improve – positive and negative – and we also need to feel valued as people and employees. Some US research has found that feedback which contradicts the view they hold of themselves often results in relationships being ‘abandoned’ for more confirming ones resulting in less effective team working. So how do we avoid this when giving feedback and requesting it from others?

Asking for feedback:

• Be clear why you are asking for feedback. Is it to expand a particular skill? Is it to understand your impact in a team or on a project or committee? Keeping your request specific and narrow will help your colleague frame their answers.


• Explain why you are asking your colleague in particular. Why do you feel they will be able to give you valuable feedback? Again, this will help them frame their answer but also allow them to say no to your request. They may feel they have little information or insights to share with you and it’s better if you can give them the opportunity to say so.


• Keep it simple – ask them for up to 3 examples of behaviours they’ve seen which they thought were really effective, and why. This doesn’t overburden them and will make it easier for you to know exactly what to repeat and when.


• What have they seen you do that was less effective and why? Again, this helps us understand if a tactic or approach was bad – full stop – or simply ineffective in that context.

Other questions might include:

• If you were in my job what would your top 3 priorities be and why?


• Where do I contribute most strongly to the team/department/project? What could I do to make that contribution even stronger?


• When our teams work together is there anything I could do to make things smoother, work more effectively?


• What support from and my team do you not currently get that would be really valuable to you?

Giving feedback:

• Similarly, if you are asked to give peer feedback consider first whether you can really give feedback of real value before agreeing to their request.


• Consider the degree of trust between you. Is there enough for an honest conversation? Say no if you are unsure but thank them for asking you – it is a complement after all.


• You might ask them some of the questions above, for example “Thank you for asking me to give you feedback. Can I just check the context before answering? What areas would you like feedback on? Why do you think I can help in this context?”.


• If you are comfortable with their answers make sure you give feedback on behaviours and actions you have observed – nothing second-hand. Don’t criticise their character or values. Just talk about what you saw and the impact that had, for better or worse.


• Remember to acknowledge and show appreciation for their positive contributions, the value they had to a project or team. We all need to feel valued.

TAKE AWAY

Asking for feedback is really important and a key part of how we improve our performance at work and positively impact our careers. Equally, it’s hard for most of us to do! It can make us feel vulnerable or fear we look needy. Structuring how we ask for feedback or respond to giving feedback can help overcome these fears and reduce any ‘fight or flight’ response we might otherwise feel. We really can be honest and stay friends.