Spotlight on Development – How to be Diplomatic

Posted by Sarah Hobbs

Many people say one of the big challenges in their career is that they are not very diplomatic. It’s often a problem for people who are highly goal oriented and incurably honest. Diplomacy can be a weakness or it’s something they find very tiring. So the question is – how do we get better at it?

Here are a few tips to help you be more diplomatic at work with less effort and stress:

Deliver bad news face-to-face, not by email. Face-to-face allows you to pick up all the cues that someone might be upset, the phone provides only limited cues (was that long silence someone getting angry or just someone taking a sip of their coffee?). If you have tried to talk to them but can’t get in touch, don’t feel it justifies communicating by email. If necessary send a short email with a brief reference and saying you need to talk to them.
Realise people are emotional beings, and that sometimes logic just doesn’t work.
Spend a little time thinking about how people may react to what you say, and what views you might get. Don’t launch in and find that people’s reactions surprise you, so you have to think on your feet. That only works if you are naturally diplomatic! Think it through first.
Play your message out to someone else that you trust before you deliver it. You’ll spot where it could sound harsh, and can ask how others would approach it, and what language they would use. Having an ally who is helping you develop your diplomacy also helps make it less tiring. You have a safe place to explore your feelings, both before and after, and someone to share the load.
Think about what you value about the person, and what they are good at, before you speak to them. Avoid approaching someone when you are purely focused on what they are doing wrong.
Watch out for points where people are upset or offended by what you’ve said – and do something about it. Don’t just leave it. If necessary, say; “I’m sorry – I’m picking up that I’ve upset/annoyed you – that wasn’t my intention.” Then leave space for the other person to talk. Try using purely supportive sentences (with no ‘but’) – like “I know you’ve always been completely committed to delivering top quality results.” This will be much easier if you have done point 5.
Start small – don’t start with trying to negotiate an international peace treaty, tackle something much simpler like persuading the person opposite you to stop humming.
Listen to what people are actually saying, not what you think you heard. Don’t stop listening in order to marshal your next argument. And consciously do some summarising, so that they know you have listened to them.
This may potentially be a big challenge – but be ultra polite. It’s amazing how much politeness will defuse negative reactions.

Take Away
If you’re not naturally diplomatic, work at it. It’s okay to fake it until you make it!